Breathable Baby Blanket { Free Crochet Pattern }

This is a breathable baby blanket. I wrote the pattern from a blanket that I was given and haven’t found the pattern online anywhere. It is quite large and can be made smaller by chaining less in intervals of 5 or larger by chaining more in intervals of 5. CH 2 counts as first DC in each round

Finished Dimensions:
Approx. 3 sq ft

Supplies: 3 skein 
Size 4 mm (G) hook

Abbreviations: 

CH-chain
DC-double crochet
SL ST-slip stitch

Instructions: Round 1: CH 156
Round 2: DC in 3rd CH from hook, DC 152, CH 2, turn (153)
Round 3-4: DC 152, CH 2, turn (153)
Round 5-74: DC 4, CH 2, skip 2 stitched (repeat 24 times), DC 8, CH 2, turn (153)
Round 75-77: 152 DC, CH 2, turn (153)
Round 78: DC 152, CH 1, turn (153)
Round 79: SL ST 152 (153)

Enjoy!

-Jill

The War Against SuperMoms

You’ve all probably seen the endless array of blogs, articles and forum discussions about new moms.  They usually have an incredibly original title such as ’5 Things New Mom’s Won’t Get Done’.  There are two things these articles all have in common. The first being a universal belief that our homes (and ourselves) will be, and should be, a disaster zone.

The most recent blog post I stumbled upon is titled "To My Post Partum Self: Things I Wish I'd Known" and of course, the author makes a couple fairly decent points. But I'm not here to point out the decent, but rather the ass backwards and annoying. To quote an excerpt from the post:

“Don’t clean.

Your house will still be messy in five years. I am sorry, but it’s true. So when your baby sleeps, take a nap. Read a book. Masturbate. Look at pictures of clean houses on Pinterest. Look at pictures of clean houses on Pinterest while you masturbate.  But don’t clean.”

As a new mom, you will usually be painted as a haggard, puke-covered mess who never leaves her disorderly house, doesn’t get any laundry finished, and never has time to make supper.  You will be told that anything else is unheard of.  You will be encouraged to look down upon ‘supermoms’ that seemingly ‘do it all’.  You’re told to ignore the dirty dishes, always nap when baby naps, and disregard basic hygiene.

Which brings me to my next point. This is another quote from the blog:

“Be a hater.
And those moms who appear to have it all together? The size six supermoms who appear perky and well-rested? The ones who haul big designer diaper bags brimming with healthy snacks and water and sunscreen and extra outfits and hand sanitizer? It is okay to wish them small misfortunes, like fecal incontinence or eye herpes.
You are on your way.”

What the actual fuck?  Why is it perfectly acceptable to despise a new mom who manages to clean? In this age of acceptance, how did we suddenly morph from the 1950’s expectation of a perfectly clean house, waxed eyebrows, and dinner on the table at five, to pure loathing?  Please don’t get me wrong; I don’t give a rats ass if your house isn’t picked up. I could honestly care less if there are dirty dishes in your sink, toys strewn from your bathroom to the living room, and laundry piles everywhere.  But since when should moms be looked down upon for cleaning? Is it just me, or is this completely the opposite of what we should be telling mothers to do?  Shouldn’t we be assuring women that whatever they manage to get accomplished with a miniature poop machine is JUST FINE? When did the apparent 'Supermom' become the target of abhorrence in the mom world? 

Now brace yourselves, because you’re going to hate me and wish eye herpes upon my dastardly soul: I am a mother to a 2 year old and a 3 month old, and my house isn’t dirty.  My laundry is clean and folded, dishes washed, floors vacuumed and frames dusted.  I run a cake decorating business out of my home.  I breastfeed exclusively, I puree my children’s baby food. I give them mostly healthy snacks and meals.  I feel well rested. And yes, science forbid, I even carry sunscreen, water, and extra outfits in my Coach brand bag. I don’t have a Pinterest account because seriously, the last thing I need is another online addiction.  I birthed my children naturally with a doula and midwife. I cook dinner almost every night. My children's designer clothes are organized by season and color. Holy shit… I even work out almost every morning. 

Go right ahead, hate me.  But before you do, I ask that you continue to read the rest of the post before wishing on me the ‘small misfortune’ of fecal incontinence.  

Because guess what? 99% of the time I feel completely and totally inadequate.  I see moms who do more than me.  I let the TV babysit my toddler when I have cakes to decorate, and often I am up until 3am working on Friday nights.  I don’t shower on a daily basis unless I have to leave my house.  I fall into my bed, exhausted, at 8:30pm so that maybe I will have the energy to work out in the morning because I’m FAR from a size 6.  I don’t always buy organic.  I breastfeed, cloth diaper, and make my own baby food for many reasons, but also because I’m CHEAP.  I buy my kids designer clothes second hand, and I shamelessly use coupon and rewards points. I only own two pairs of jeans that fit. I look well rested in the morning because I am, I have been given an awesome little baby who enjoys sleeping at night as much as I do.  I chose to endure the pain of natural birth because the thought of a cesarean scares the ever lovin' shit out of me and I'm a pansy. I scream into my pillow when my toddler pees on the kitchen table. My marriage is falling apart.

Sure, on the outside I look like I’ve got it all together.  I don’t.  I clean because it is a welcome distraction from everything else that is going to shit. I don't have an ulterior motive.

Now don’t you think that maybe, instead of shooting daggers at the women who ‘appear to have it all together’, you should start accepting that maybe you don’t know it all?  EVERY mother is fighting her own battles.  Instead of sneering at the mom in the park feeding her baby homemade food, you could consider that maybe she can’t afford expensive jarred baby food.  When you see that mom with the perfect hairstyle at the grocery store, instead of immediately wishing anal leakage on her, maybe bear in mind that she may have just had the only haircut she’s been able to manage in the last year.  Maybe you should tone down the note of disgust in your voice when you accuse your friend of being a 'supermom'. 

We are all working our asses off to make our children happy.  Some of us have different priorities, stress relief techniques, and habits. And that’s ok. 

We DO NOT have to be haters.

-Shalana

Child Modeling: 6 Things Parents Should Know

Every child is beautiful. I mean it. All children are beautiful… Tall ones, short ones, round ones, lanky ones, purple, green and friggin’ rainbow ones are all ridiculously beautiful because their eyes are full of wonder and their hearts are filled with innocence.

Now that I have your attention, I’ll cut to the chase.

We all know that our babies are beautiful, but what happens when a modeling agency thinks your kid won the genetic lottery and wants them to pursue a career in the fashion industry?
Well first of all, don’t fret. Here’s a handy little ole’ guideline for parents that need advice from someone in the business. Just a little warning, some of my advice may seem harsh but I promise that it’s all true.

How do I know such things? Well, I grew up in a pretty normal way, married parents, one sister, happy childhood (blah, blah, blah…) and I’ve always been tall and skinny. Growing up, everyone’s given me the advice that I should model. Fast forward to age 15- One day, I took a few self-portraits and sent them to an agency in New York City. Totally thought it was a long shot, but I got a response back and I was put on a plane a few weeks later and was signed with a great agency. They housed me, took care of me- all in the great Manhattan. I’ve done some pretty cool stuff, worked for some well-known companies, have been featured in magazines, etc. I’m 21 years old and still signed with this awesome agency.

Anywho, here’s my guideline:

1.)  The first rule of using a legitimate modeling/talent agency is NOT PAYING for modeling classes.

The biggest names to ever prance on a catwalk did not pay for classes to teach them how to do so. They simply learned on their own. When a modeling agency seeks a fit for their team, they pick their beauties with or without the rare talent of being photogenic or runway ready because they are the ones who shape their models. Any “agency” asking for money to pay for classes is a joke, NOT an agency.

2.)  Meet your friend, Google.

Conduct a thorough background check via Google on any agency/agent that may be interested in representing your child. Past employees will review the agencies and scam artists will be brought to light.

3.) A legitimate agency doesn’t make you pay out of pocket but takes out a percentage of every check.

That’s just how they make their money. My agency takes out 20% for every paycheck I receive through them. If you think their percentage rate is too high, look for other agencies.

4.)  They take forever to pay back.

Well, not forever but just about.  The average turn-around time for receiving a check from the agency is anywhere from 20-70 days. My agency’s standard is 30-60 days. I’m not too clear on why this is typical for many agencies, but its just the way it is. Don’t fight it.

5.) Don’t get butt-hurt over castings.

Your child will attend several castings for many companies. Guess what? Your child won’t get all of them. At every casting, there are directors who are looking for a certain something. That could be a certain hair texture, a certain eye color, a certain kind of personality- anything. So, don’t get butt-hurt (your feelings hurt) if your precious child doesn’t get a few castings. To think that your child is going to get every job out there is straight up unrealistic. Your child will get some jobs though.

6.) Agents will give critique.

I’ve been put into a bikini and had all of my flaws pointed out to me when I was as young as 16, but you should know that a toddler shouldn’t be forced to do the same. When an agent gives critique, let your inner momma bear take control- at such a young age, your kids can’t speak for themselves. Do it for them, voice out your concerns especially regarding their health and safety. Kids should always be kids. Don’t ever let anyone deprive them of the childhood they deserve.

Whether your kid is a sweet 2 year old or a sassy 10 year old, as a parent you should understand the basic ideas of working with a legitimate agency and deciding whether or not working with an agency is good for the sake of your child and family.

What questions do you have about child modeling? Would you allow your kid to model? Share your thoughts!

-Ash

Awesome Kids Room DIY Clock {Teaching Time}

I noticed that my cousins didn’t know how to read a clock until they were in middle school and I didn’t want that happening to my boys, so I decided to make them clocks to match their bedrooms.

Supplies

clock movement kit

round wooden clock

black sharpie

paint chips

pencil

spray paint

printed number 1-12

scissors

mod podge

foam paint brush

Clock

First you need to spray paint your round wooden clock.  Next you will need to trace your printed numbers onto your paint chips.  Next using your black sharpie write the number onto the paint chip.  You are now ready to cut out your numbers.  I chose to make pows for the 12, 3, 6 and 9.  To do this I just randomly drew them with my pencil and then traced the number onto the pow.  Then I colored number in and outlined the pow.  You can do any shape you want or just make these numbers like the rest.  Next I placed all my numbers and pows on the clock and tried to evenly space them.  Now you are ready to mod podge.  Once the mod podge is complete install the clock movement kit, add a battery and hang.  I had to hot glue my kit onto the back of the round wooden clock since it wasn’t tight enough.

How to Mod Podge

I use a matte finish mod podge and start by applying to mod podge to the back of the numbers and applying them to the wooden clock.  Once all numbers have dried I put a layer of mod podge on the face of the clock

-Jill

Best Friends I've Never Met

I used to have tons of friends. You know the ones, the

friends who would always be there for Monday night dance off, Tuesday night

BBQ, Wednesday night poker, thirsty Thursday at the club, TGIF at the Mexican

restaurant with fishbowl margaritas, Saturday floating the river with a gallon

of Sailor Jerry’s, and Sunday Funday with NFL at the sports bar and $1 beers

all day long (Go Pack Go!)

Life was great! Life was a constant adventure, meeting new

people, and discovering the absolute best way to stifle a hangover and be sure

I was somewhat productive at work the next day. I KNEW I had friends for life,

because the basis of friendship was obviously poker chips and shot glasses.

Duh.

Then came marriage. Then a move back to Podunk hell.  Then came a baby.

Everything changed.

My life no longer revolved around the drink of the week. I

wasn’t focused on the most secure way to strap a cooler to an inner tube.

Suddenly, I found myself glued to the computer, up to my hip waders in

information on vaccinations, homemade baby food, how to breathe in labor, and

staring at endless photos of ‘normal’ baby poop.  I became a homebody. The bottles sat on top of the fridge

collecting dust, and the friends I once heard from on a daily basis suddenly

fell off the face of the earth.

What the hell happened?

Motherhood happened. Becoming a mother automatically

initiates you into the largest club in the world. The friends you thought you

had shudder at the mention of 2am diaper changes and projectile vomiting. They

squirm uncomfortably at the sight of breastfeeding in public.

Thankfully, the friends I have had since school days (and managed to keep in touch with) have their own children and understand the

trials of being a parent. The problem is, life in Podunk has it’s own evil way

of keeping you at a distance. Literally. Who wants to drive 20 miles to BFE for

a play date? I was cut off from the world, with a husband who works 70 hours a

week and a midget poop machine who lacks the ability of intelligent

conversation.

Enter, the Internet.

But grandma told you to stay away from the Internet! Those

women you’re talking to on the mommy site are really sweaty, furry old men just

aching to kidnap and debase you! It’s true, because she saw it on 20/20.  Yet, the hunger for emotional contact

runs deep, and I decided it’s worth risking the debasement. What did I find? A

group of ladies who happen to be some of the most caring, funny, wonderful

women I have ever had the privilege to ‘meet’.

Wait, you can’t say that! You’ve never met them!

Ok, ok, ok. So what constitutes a ‘Friend’?  Does a friend always have to be

available with a hug and a latte (or bottle of wine) when you’re feeling blue? I don’t necessarily

think so. I have the biggest support system consisting of the most diverse

group of women from all over the world! What more can you ask for?  It’s unbelievable how much the social

protocol has changed in the last decade. 

What can be such a scary virtual universe has also made it possible for

bonds to be forged from America to Belize, and Australia to Canada.

These women get me! Most of them have seen a significant

decline in ‘friends’ after becoming mommies as well.  I can ask about a funny looking rash on my daughters bum and

get recommendations from a registered nurse. I can vent my frustrations about

my exasperating husband. I have the opportunity to learn about different

cultures, traditions, and lifestyles. We have watched our friends get married,

buy houses and have babies.  We’ve

been there for each other through the painful loss of sweet babies, husbands,

parents and brothers. We have offered advice, sentiment, and opinions. We’ve even

gotten into fights!  These women understand the unconditional love I have for my babies. They have helped me through some of the darkest days of my life, and I don't know what I would do without them. 

Yes, my life has changed. I have two unbelievably gorgeous little girls who call me mommy. And 107 women who have enriched my life in more ways than I could have ever imagined. 

Kudos,

Internet.

Removing Diaper Cream from Cloth Diapers

Rule #1 of cloth diapering is Do Not Use Diaper Cream. I didn't start putting cloth on my first daughter until she was about 20 months old, so I didn't know all the in's and out's of the correct process. When she started getting her two year molars she got a horrible, painful diaper rash. I of course, panicked and liberally applied Bourdeauxs Butt Paste. I assumed since I was using a rayon liner that it wouldn't be an issue. WRONG! The butt paste went through the liner and absorbed into the fleece and made them repel moisture. I tried stripping them with baking soda and vinegar, used Dawn dishwashing liquid in my washer, and rinsed them a countless amount of times. Nothing worked until I put in a little elbow grease.

The first step is to determine if the diapers are actually repelling moisture. Simply dripping water on them and watching it bead up doesn't necessarily mean they aren't absorbent anymore. With most pocket diapers (I use Alvas), you need to apply a little pressure as if the diaper is flush against babes bottom. If water still doesn't absorb easily you need to do some work on them!

You will need some blue Dawn dishwashing liquid, and a stiff brush. I used a nail brush which worked well, but you can use just about anything with stiff bristles.


Wet the diapers and squirt on a little Dawn. Then scrub the shit out of it! Don't be afraid to get nasty! (pun intended)  You'll need to scrub in all different directions, and don't be afraid of damaging the fleece on the diaper, you won't. After you've scrubbed, rinse the diaper as well as you can and wash like normal, adding a couple extra rinses to your cycle. Depending on the amount of grease from the diaper cream you may need to repeat this until the diaper is absorbent 
again. 

Remember to ALWAYS use a cloth diaper friendly rash cream, or coconut oil, with your cloth diapers! 

-Shalana

Gluten/Dairy Free Mushroom Smothered Chicken

As you know if you've read any previous recipes, I am suffering from a nursling with a dairy sensitivity. Therefore, I have been craving nothing but creamy, cheesy, buttery foods that would be sure to lead to an evening of projectile vomiting and a very upset 8 week old. Lets not go there...

Tonight upon opening my refrigerator, I found some gorgeous mushrooms. My first thought of a rich, creamy, smothered chicken breast was immediately stifled. But I couldn't help myself.  Why can't I have a delicious meal without the dairy induced screaming? A little tweaking to my standard recipe and this little gem was born. This is a very flexible recipe, which can be adapted for many dietary needs! This one however, is gluten and of course, dairy free. Enjoy! 


Ingredients

• 2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
• salt, pepper, garlic powder
• 6 tablespoons coconut oil (divided)
• 3 crushed garlic cloves
• 2 shallots, thinly sliced
• 1/2 lb sliced mushrooms
• 5 tablespoons coconut flour
• 1 14oz can chicken broth
• 1/2 cup coconut milk

Directions

• Heat 4 tablespoons coconut oil in a large pan over medium high heat.

• Season chicken breasts with salt, pepper and garlic powder.

• Place the chicken breasts in the pan and cook until golden brown, about 4 minutes on each side. DO NOT OVERCOOK! Yes, yes I know. Raw chicken will kill you! I promise you that the bacteria is killed far before that chicken is dry as a bone. You should be able to cut into the breast and the juices (that's right, juices!) will run clear. 

• Once the chicken is cooked, remove from the pan, cover with foil and set aside. 

• Add the remaining coconut oil, shallots, garlic and mushrooms and cook until shallots are translucent and mushrooms are browned slightly. 

• Sprinkle the coconut flour over the mushrooms and stir to coat evenly. 

• Add the chicken broth slowly and let the sauce thicken, stirring constantly.  Add coconut milk and stir. 

• Return the chicken breasts back to the pan and spoon sauce over breasts. Serve over noodles, or gluten free noodles or rice for a gluten free option! 

-Shalana

Don't Be Intimidated: Crocheting

When I was 8 months pregnant with my first son I wanted to crochet him blanket so he could sleep with it without me worrying about him suffocating.  My problem was I had never crocheted before.  I thought myself to knit scarfs when I was in college, but I hadn’t kept up with it.  My friend talked me out of learning due to the fact that I was trying to become a licensed landscape architect and about to take my last exam, which I passed and probably wouldn’t have if I learned to crochet.  Christmas came around and my son was 4 months old.  I bought him a cute crocheted hat off of ETSY like I did for his birth announcements.  The hat cost about $25 and I decided then that I was going to learn to crochet because it had to be cheaper than buying them.  In January I taught myself to crochet hats and soon my friends were asking me to make hats, blankets and shoes for them.  I eventually opened up my own ETSY shop, Hats and Knit Knacks.  

Crocheting is really easy with practice and I taught myself how to crochet from youtube videos.  I first found a video that I liked and then went and bought the supplies.  What I have found is that most yarns and patterns use a G Hook (4.0 mm).  So that is what I started with.  I went to Michaels and bought 1 skein of yarn and a G Hook.  This way you aren’t spending a ton of money on an entire kit if you don’t like it.  I eventually went back and bought a set of hooks and have added larger hooks when patterns required them. Here are some of the videos I used.  

Basic Double Crochet Hat with Ears

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNeSZkUpWkM&feature=related

Granny Stitch Hat

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t1SBPeCw8YI&feature=relmfu

Puff Stitch Hat

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w8lLMHpt1Sw

A great site to find patterns is ravelry.com  Some patterns are free and some aren’t.  You can usually find what you are looking for free, but you will need to know the crochet language.  A list of terminology can be found at Lions Brand http://www.lionbrand.com/cgi-bin/faq-search.cgi?dictionaryOfAbbreviations=1

I hope you find this information helpful.  Just remember it may not come easy.  My first hat probably took me 8 hours to make.  I was yelling at my husband to turn the tv down and to be quiet.  My stitches also did not look like hers in the video.  It takes practice to crochet evenly and tight.  My first  hat was more of a bowl and couldn’t fit anyones head.  I can now make a hat in an hour or two depending on the detail and size.

Happy Crocheting!

xoxo

-J

Tips from a Teacher: Keeping our Baby Birds Healthy

Children will soon see friends they missed over the summer. Parents will buy endless amounts of school supplies. New clothes will fill the closets, and school days will replace the summer sunshine.

The beginning of the school year engenders energy in our children, and we love to see our children happy. Unfortunately, mommies know the school year also means sick children. Let’s not only help our children be prepared for school but also prepared to fight illnesses. Maybe you are one of those moms who is one step ahead. I’d like to think I am, but I honestly feel like I am sliding on my belly like a penguin, rather than soaring above like an eagle. I’m a momma bird in charge of baby birds that will start day care next week, and I’d like to help my little chirping babies stay as healthy as possible in this nest. Although germs help build the immune system, recurrent illnesses weaken the immune system- rather than build a strong a immune system. If you haven’t heard of Briar Rose, then I recommend for you to pick some up for about $10 at a nearby health store, or order it online.

Depending on the age of the child, give the child a dose of 25 to 50 drops three times per day when the child begins the school year and continue through the first two months to help your child boost his or her immune system. “Then, Dr. Tetau recommends doing this 15 days each month through the rest of the school year to prevent recurrences” (Towle).

When one gets sick, ear, nose and throat seem to be attacked the most often. “Upper respiratory tract infections are typically present when school begins, following major holidays such as Thanksgiving & Christmas and then in the spring with the change in the weather” (Towle). The treatment protocol to overcome the infection is 25 to 50 drops three times per day for an adult, but my pediatrician recommends 10 drops mixed in a shot of water three times per day for my 1-year-old.

Briar Rose does not guarantee your child will not get sick. There are other precautions to help your child: wash his or her hands before eating a meal, keep your child home if he / she is running a fever without fever fighting medicine, limit sugars and processed foods, cook meals at home instead of eating out, and keep your child physically active.

Didn’t get enough?

• You can read the details on how to treat specific illnesses with Gemmotherapy:http://www.alifeexperience.net/articles/gemmotherapy_a_powerful_tool_by_towle.htm

• Check out this page for your specific ear, nose and throat issue to best help boost your immune system to overcome the illness more quickly:http://drfeder.com/?page=articles&action=viewArticle&articleID=22

It should also be pointed out that homeopathy is an FDA approved form of healing in the United States.

Works Cited: Towle, Daniel, D.C., DNBHE. "GEMMOTHERAPY:  A POWERFUL TOOL." GEMMOTHERAPY:  A POWERFUL TOOL. The Global Homeopathic Alliance, 2001. Web. 7 Jun. 2013.

xoxo

B

What Non-Parents Want Us To Know + What Parents Want Them To Know

What non-parents want parents to know.

1.)Even though I’m nodding my head while you speak, I really don’t care how many poops your toddler has taken in his new potty chair. Did your cute pooping toddler squirt out some jellybeans too? Okay, now I care.

2.)Your kid is gluten free? What the hell is gluten? Is that a type of fish? I’ve never heard of this fish. I’ve just come to the vast conclusion that I’m gluten free also.

3.)Look, I completely understand what its like to have a few children running our lives on a day to day basis, but could you at least muster up a solid three minutes and put some effort into that hair? Jesus woman, looking like Mufasa up in here.

4.)Hey, your kid just drooled into my mouth- He’s cute and all, but I’m secretly trying not to freak out over these germs we’ve got going on over here…

5.)Being around your well-behaved kids make me feel like I want some of my own. When they act up, I take back that thought and pat myself on the back for not being pregnant.

*************************************************************************

What parents want non-parents to know.

1.)You care about my toddlers first poop adventures just as much as I care about your wild nights out. That’s fine. I don’t expect you to be as excited as I am when the munchkin drops a deuce in the toilet, but give me a break- we’ve worked really hard to get where we are today. Our hard work is shown off by a little nugget of poop that’s not confined in a diaper, and we feel like fucking rockstars.

2.)Although I’m flattered by your interest in my kids diet, you don’t really need to understand their lifestyle to get on with yours. Unless you’re in charge of feeding my kids anytime soon, don’t worry about what the munchkin is eating (unless you see him eating batteries, otherwise be very worried).

3.)Do you have children running your life on a daily basis? Neither do I. Do you think my kids wake me up every morning, make my coffee and take me to work? While the kiddos are in my possession, I’m the one running their lives. Doctors appointments, play dates, day care? All me. Oh, and do you know what could happen in three minutes? Yeah, my hair is just a little less important to me now.

4.) lol “germs”.

5.)You think you’re the only person who has ever said that? I used to make ignorant statements like that too, (I think most parents did) but I grew up and had a baby. Contrary to popular belief, my life isn’t over because I became a parent. My life just started. Maybe one day you’ll understand.

xoxo
-A

5 Reasons why I'm the Worst Mom Ever.

5. I'm a lush, apparently.

Yesterday I mentioned that we had to stop at the store. My 3.5 year old said "yaaay! We're going to the liquor store!" Umm, no kid. We're out of bread. We're stopping at the grocery store. 

4. I'm a meanie mommy.

Our mall does a weekly kids camp, complete with a different bouncy hell.. Err house... Every week. This week it was a climbing wall with a slide on the other side. So small fry finally gets to the top after climbing up using these stupid blocks as a ladder, while I and all the other moms, one of the mall managers, and the bouncy attendant cheer her on (while snickering as she struggles. Yes. I went there.) Sooooo she gets to the top and just sits. Meanwhile her brother is literally LEAPING down the slide next to it. (One time down, he landed on his face and decided to do the same thing again. I can't decide if it's really admirable that he's so persistent or really dumb.) On the other side of this giant mountain, at the bottom of the slide, the security guards and moms are cheering her on. I'm yelling "come on, baby! You can do it! It's like the playground!" Nothing. Blank stares. Well, she has to go down one way or another. Soooo I tell the big older kid to push her. Yup. I asked someone to push my kid! (In my defense, She wasn't moving! What goes up, must come down, right??) And of course, she got to the bottom and said "ah-den!" Umm, sorry, nugget. Not going through that shit again. 

3. Yummmm! Germs!!

I let my kids have sippy cups that've touched the floor. Yes, a crime against humanity, I know. It falls on the floor and goes right back into their hands. I don't sanitize it, scrub it, or even rinse it off. If it looks reeeeeeeally suspect, I'll kiss it up to God, but seriously? I licked metal jungle gyms, ate dirt, and roasted marshmallows on sticks I found in the woods. Guess what? I somehow made it to adulthood. 

2. What are you eating!?

Sometimes when we're out, I notice one of them eating something. Not just the usual stray booger or a goldfish found in the carseat... Nope, we're talking like we're in the shoe store and suddenly they're chewing on real food... That I didn't give to them. I probably shouldn't admit this, but I usually just turn my head and pretend I don't notice. Again, I'm still alive. 

1. I set them up to be bullied

I accidentally named my kids "Smelly" and "Vagina". Well, sorta. No parent names their kid with the intent to get them stuffed into a locker by the football team. I don't think, anyway. (Except for maybe those people whose last name is Hunt and name their kid Mike, or the ones who give their kid the same first name as last name. Really? You couldn't get just a LITTLE creative!?)
Anyhooooo, my kids are JJ and Isabella. I started thinking about how mean kids are, and how thankful I was that my kids have un-makefunable names. Then it hit me. Someone is gonna call JJ "Va-jay-jay"!!!! Ahhhhh not cool! And poor Bella! Someone will inevitably call her Smella! Ahhhh and then, what if they think I named them those names because I have a Smella Va-jay-jay!?! What will the other parents think!? I guess at least I won't have to have their kids over for play dates! :) 


xoxo
-A

Dracula's Downfall Pizza

Who doesn't like pizza, right? Cheesy, greasy deliciousness in a pan is hard to resist. Of course, there are slightly healthier alternatives out there in some restaurants with thin crust.  But what about those who have a gluten allergy? I'm not one of them personally (thank you Jesus) but the trend is sweeping America as folks are becoming more and more aware of the reason they haven't had a solid BM in years. No, I'm more along the lines of the mom who, if I can sneak veggies and protein into a meal and make it healthier, I feel the sudden urge to don a SuperMom cape and start fighting 'The Man'.

I stumbled across a pizza crust online a few months ago that called for cauliflower, cheese and eggs. I made it for my family, and it was a success! Fast forward to the present, and I now have a little nursling who has a dairy sensitivity (projectile vomit anyone?). I was visiting with my cousin who has a gluten intolerance and she was making a cauliflower pizza crust. I started dreaming longingly of pizza and was just starting to attempt to curb my drooling desires when I noticed that she wasn't adding cheese to the crust! I asked for the recipe and skipped home to try it out. The product was a deliciously healthy pizza that would put the toughest vampire into a coma, therefore I have fondly nicknamed this dish 'Draculas Downfall'. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that my toddler has watched Hotel Transylvania 8 times today. 



First, I am including some quick directions on how to roast garlic. I am baffled by the amount of folks I talk to who have never had it. The mild, buttery, nutty flavor is so amazing that I use roasted garlic in SO many dishes, and even eat cloves straight from the bulb.

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Ingredients:



Whole garlic bulbs
Olive oil

Aluminum foil



Directions:

1.Cut about 1/4" off the top of each bulb of garlic, exposing the tops of the cloves and remove the papery outer layers.

2. Drizzle a little olive oil on each bulb, using your finger to make sure each clove is coated.

3. Wrap garlic in foil, pop in the oven and bake for 30 minutes. 

When the garlic has cooled to the touch, simply take a small knife and cut the skin around each clove. Squeeze the cloves out from the bottom and enjoy! 
 

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Roasted Garlic Herb Sauce 

Ingredients:

2 Tbsp Olive Oil
1 bulb mashed roasted garlic (you can use as much as you like)

3 Tbsp Coconut flour (or flour of your choice, this is just what I had on hand)

3/4 cup water with a squirt of lemon juice

2 Tsp Italian Seasoning 
Salt and Pepper


Directions:



1. Heat oil in a small pan over medium heat. Add mashed garlic and flour, stirring to make a paste. 


2. When it starts to thicken slowly add liquid, whisking constantly until you reach the desired consistency (you may not use all the liquid) 


3. Remove from heat and stir in seasonings.

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For the crust 

Ingredients



2 cups cauliflower (one small one or half a large one)
1/4 onion

3 cloves garlic

1 1/4 cup Almond meal

2 eggs

Italian seasoning

Salt and Pepper



Directions

1. Preheat oven to 450 degrees

2. Combine cauliflower, onion and garlic in a food processor and pulse until crumbly. Don't overmix, you don't want to have a paste. Stir in almond meal, eggs and seasonings.

3. Form into pizza crust and bake alone for 20 minutes. I used my baking stone. 



After the crust is out of the oven, spread the sauce evenly and top! I topped mine with chicken, bacon (makes everything better) sliced roasted garlic, spinach and dairy free cheese.

 

If you're not a garlic freak like I am, you can top your crust with any kind of sauce/topping combination you desire. Tomato, basil pesto... the possibilities are endless! 



Enjoy :) 

xoxo
-S