5 Reasons why I'm the Worst Mom Ever.

5. I'm a lush, apparently.

Yesterday I mentioned that we had to stop at the store. My 3.5 year old said "yaaay! We're going to the liquor store!" Umm, no kid. We're out of bread. We're stopping at the grocery store. 

4. I'm a meanie mommy.

Our mall does a weekly kids camp, complete with a different bouncy hell.. Err house... Every week. This week it was a climbing wall with a slide on the other side. So small fry finally gets to the top after climbing up using these stupid blocks as a ladder, while I and all the other moms, one of the mall managers, and the bouncy attendant cheer her on (while snickering as she struggles. Yes. I went there.) Sooooo she gets to the top and just sits. Meanwhile her brother is literally LEAPING down the slide next to it. (One time down, he landed on his face and decided to do the same thing again. I can't decide if it's really admirable that he's so persistent or really dumb.) On the other side of this giant mountain, at the bottom of the slide, the security guards and moms are cheering her on. I'm yelling "come on, baby! You can do it! It's like the playground!" Nothing. Blank stares. Well, she has to go down one way or another. Soooo I tell the big older kid to push her. Yup. I asked someone to push my kid! (In my defense, She wasn't moving! What goes up, must come down, right??) And of course, she got to the bottom and said "ah-den!" Umm, sorry, nugget. Not going through that shit again. 

3. Yummmm! Germs!!

I let my kids have sippy cups that've touched the floor. Yes, a crime against humanity, I know. It falls on the floor and goes right back into their hands. I don't sanitize it, scrub it, or even rinse it off. If it looks reeeeeeeally suspect, I'll kiss it up to God, but seriously? I licked metal jungle gyms, ate dirt, and roasted marshmallows on sticks I found in the woods. Guess what? I somehow made it to adulthood. 

2. What are you eating!?

Sometimes when we're out, I notice one of them eating something. Not just the usual stray booger or a goldfish found in the carseat... Nope, we're talking like we're in the shoe store and suddenly they're chewing on real food... That I didn't give to them. I probably shouldn't admit this, but I usually just turn my head and pretend I don't notice. Again, I'm still alive. 

1. I set them up to be bullied

I accidentally named my kids "Smelly" and "Vagina". Well, sorta. No parent names their kid with the intent to get them stuffed into a locker by the football team. I don't think, anyway. (Except for maybe those people whose last name is Hunt and name their kid Mike, or the ones who give their kid the same first name as last name. Really? You couldn't get just a LITTLE creative!?)
Anyhooooo, my kids are JJ and Isabella. I started thinking about how mean kids are, and how thankful I was that my kids have un-makefunable names. Then it hit me. Someone is gonna call JJ "Va-jay-jay"!!!! Ahhhhh not cool! And poor Bella! Someone will inevitably call her Smella! Ahhhh and then, what if they think I named them those names because I have a Smella Va-jay-jay!?! What will the other parents think!? I guess at least I won't have to have their kids over for play dates! :) 


xoxo
-A