5 Reasons why I'm the Worst Mom Ever.

5. I'm a lush, apparently.

Yesterday I mentioned that we had to stop at the store. My 3.5 year old said "yaaay! We're going to the liquor store!" Umm, no kid. We're out of bread. We're stopping at the grocery store. 

4. I'm a meanie mommy.

Our mall does a weekly kids camp, complete with a different bouncy hell.. Err house... Every week. This week it was a climbing wall with a slide on the other side. So small fry finally gets to the top after climbing up using these stupid blocks as a ladder, while I and all the other moms, one of the mall managers, and the bouncy attendant cheer her on (while snickering as she struggles. Yes. I went there.) Sooooo she gets to the top and just sits. Meanwhile her brother is literally LEAPING down the slide next to it. (One time down, he landed on his face and decided to do the same thing again. I can't decide if it's really admirable that he's so persistent or really dumb.) On the other side of this giant mountain, at the bottom of the slide, the security guards and moms are cheering her on. I'm yelling "come on, baby! You can do it! It's like the playground!" Nothing. Blank stares. Well, she has to go down one way or another. Soooo I tell the big older kid to push her. Yup. I asked someone to push my kid! (In my defense, She wasn't moving! What goes up, must come down, right??) And of course, she got to the bottom and said "ah-den!" Umm, sorry, nugget. Not going through that shit again. 

3. Yummmm! Germs!!

I let my kids have sippy cups that've touched the floor. Yes, a crime against humanity, I know. It falls on the floor and goes right back into their hands. I don't sanitize it, scrub it, or even rinse it off. If it looks reeeeeeeally suspect, I'll kiss it up to God, but seriously? I licked metal jungle gyms, ate dirt, and roasted marshmallows on sticks I found in the woods. Guess what? I somehow made it to adulthood. 

2. What are you eating!?

Sometimes when we're out, I notice one of them eating something. Not just the usual stray booger or a goldfish found in the carseat... Nope, we're talking like we're in the shoe store and suddenly they're chewing on real food... That I didn't give to them. I probably shouldn't admit this, but I usually just turn my head and pretend I don't notice. Again, I'm still alive. 

1. I set them up to be bullied

I accidentally named my kids "Smelly" and "Vagina". Well, sorta. No parent names their kid with the intent to get them stuffed into a locker by the football team. I don't think, anyway. (Except for maybe those people whose last name is Hunt and name their kid Mike, or the ones who give their kid the same first name as last name. Really? You couldn't get just a LITTLE creative!?)
Anyhooooo, my kids are JJ and Isabella. I started thinking about how mean kids are, and how thankful I was that my kids have un-makefunable names. Then it hit me. Someone is gonna call JJ "Va-jay-jay"!!!! Ahhhhh not cool! And poor Bella! Someone will inevitably call her Smella! Ahhhh and then, what if they think I named them those names because I have a Smella Va-jay-jay!?! What will the other parents think!? I guess at least I won't have to have their kids over for play dates! :) 


xoxo
-A

Dracula's Downfall Pizza

Who doesn't like pizza, right? Cheesy, greasy deliciousness in a pan is hard to resist. Of course, there are slightly healthier alternatives out there in some restaurants with thin crust.  But what about those who have a gluten allergy? I'm not one of them personally (thank you Jesus) but the trend is sweeping America as folks are becoming more and more aware of the reason they haven't had a solid BM in years. No, I'm more along the lines of the mom who, if I can sneak veggies and protein into a meal and make it healthier, I feel the sudden urge to don a SuperMom cape and start fighting 'The Man'.

I stumbled across a pizza crust online a few months ago that called for cauliflower, cheese and eggs. I made it for my family, and it was a success! Fast forward to the present, and I now have a little nursling who has a dairy sensitivity (projectile vomit anyone?). I was visiting with my cousin who has a gluten intolerance and she was making a cauliflower pizza crust. I started dreaming longingly of pizza and was just starting to attempt to curb my drooling desires when I noticed that she wasn't adding cheese to the crust! I asked for the recipe and skipped home to try it out. The product was a deliciously healthy pizza that would put the toughest vampire into a coma, therefore I have fondly nicknamed this dish 'Draculas Downfall'. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that my toddler has watched Hotel Transylvania 8 times today. 



First, I am including some quick directions on how to roast garlic. I am baffled by the amount of folks I talk to who have never had it. The mild, buttery, nutty flavor is so amazing that I use roasted garlic in SO many dishes, and even eat cloves straight from the bulb.

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Ingredients:



Whole garlic bulbs
Olive oil

Aluminum foil



Directions:

1.Cut about 1/4" off the top of each bulb of garlic, exposing the tops of the cloves and remove the papery outer layers.

2. Drizzle a little olive oil on each bulb, using your finger to make sure each clove is coated.

3. Wrap garlic in foil, pop in the oven and bake for 30 minutes. 

When the garlic has cooled to the touch, simply take a small knife and cut the skin around each clove. Squeeze the cloves out from the bottom and enjoy! 
 

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Roasted Garlic Herb Sauce 

Ingredients:

2 Tbsp Olive Oil
1 bulb mashed roasted garlic (you can use as much as you like)

3 Tbsp Coconut flour (or flour of your choice, this is just what I had on hand)

3/4 cup water with a squirt of lemon juice

2 Tsp Italian Seasoning 
Salt and Pepper


Directions:



1. Heat oil in a small pan over medium heat. Add mashed garlic and flour, stirring to make a paste. 


2. When it starts to thicken slowly add liquid, whisking constantly until you reach the desired consistency (you may not use all the liquid) 


3. Remove from heat and stir in seasonings.

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For the crust 

Ingredients



2 cups cauliflower (one small one or half a large one)
1/4 onion

3 cloves garlic

1 1/4 cup Almond meal

2 eggs

Italian seasoning

Salt and Pepper



Directions

1. Preheat oven to 450 degrees

2. Combine cauliflower, onion and garlic in a food processor and pulse until crumbly. Don't overmix, you don't want to have a paste. Stir in almond meal, eggs and seasonings.

3. Form into pizza crust and bake alone for 20 minutes. I used my baking stone. 



After the crust is out of the oven, spread the sauce evenly and top! I topped mine with chicken, bacon (makes everything better) sliced roasted garlic, spinach and dairy free cheese.

 

If you're not a garlic freak like I am, you can top your crust with any kind of sauce/topping combination you desire. Tomato, basil pesto... the possibilities are endless! 



Enjoy :) 

xoxo
-S